In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
You Might Also Like
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*
dog *hands me a beer*