Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
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Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer