The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.