2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
never ask a starfish for directions
mumsnet is amazing
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
sry
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”