i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
quarantine day 3
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses