Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
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The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
North and South
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.