Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
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Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?