Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.