if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
is this meant to deter me
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.