Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
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We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
whenever i wake up before my alarm