I’m half potato on my dad’s side
You Might Also Like
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Nice try Hitler
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!