Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.