@clichedout

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

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@vonTraphaus

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

@mjkspeaks

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

@TEXASVETERAN

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

@nayele18maybe

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

@Quartzjixler

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

@pleatedjeans

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

@fuzzlime

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

@dinnersruined

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie