Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
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“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it