if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.