When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
You Might Also Like
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?