You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask