My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
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Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
road rage
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Midwest trash talk
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!