People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
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If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”