me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
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Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
The “baby” on the left….
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok