Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.