I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
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why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
This classic never gets old . . .
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”