I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks