can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I feel seen.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome