People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
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I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
two people or more is called a problem
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing