9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
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What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
men, we mow at sunrise.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
doing your own taxes
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!