Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix