I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
#dalle2
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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”