Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one