King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
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My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
it’s the silliest best thing
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.