Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Monday?
No. Next question.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
you will never know the true number of layers
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Dune (2021)
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.