I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.