I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.