just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
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Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
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[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Why are bridges so flammable.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.