just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
You Might Also Like
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I need better friends
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice