Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

I feel seen.

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

What’s a Messi?

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars