Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.