Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
*eats Milky Way*
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!
Me *alone at home* hang on
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
Me: Then Home Goods.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
reviewed some movies recently
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.