Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.