Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
You Might Also Like
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern