A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.