I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more