The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
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To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Passed by a old school Math example today.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.