You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
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me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*