Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

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Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker


“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume


There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.


Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.


Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn


You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.


my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”


After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.


*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“Who is this?”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”


[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]