Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
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College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
You know what’s fucked? As people keep going out and acting like covid isn’t a big deal, my nurse friends and I (in our 20s) are contemplating whether it’s time to get our wills drawn up. Because we know not all of us will make it. Hope you had fun at the beach, Karen.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!
Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Disney: Just her mom?
Disney: Her dad?
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Him: you always need to have the last word!
Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
Me: *whispers* I win