@yoyoha

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

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@fro_vo

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

@fro_vo

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

@JimSterling

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

@brendohare

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

@DadandBuried

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

@AudreyPorne

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

@Marlebean

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

@UncleDuke1969

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]