Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
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“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁