[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
You Might Also Like
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
guys I’m going home
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.