[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
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“How’s your day going?”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
The French cow says MEUX…
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.