When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful