Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
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(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing