Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
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A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Good morning!
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.