Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
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My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
The struggle is real.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.