My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
You Might Also Like
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Sex so good you see dead people.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.