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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.