I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
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NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble