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Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.