[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
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[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I’m too immature for adultery.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid