Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Uh oh…
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything